Premier League Post-Season School Report
As the dust settles on another Premier League season, we are challenged with finding other ways to spend our time. In our exciting lives much of it is spent day-dreaming over transfers and excitedly anticipating what the upcoming season will bring. The rest of it is spent reviewing and analysing how the last one went. As most of us are unfamiliar with the intricacies of how a post-mortem goes down, the warmer medium of a school report is often applied - or a no holds-barred breakdown of how a teacher would like to approach a school report in this case. Just remember, if you’ve done nothing wrong, you’ve no need to worry…
Turned up at school after the summer with a new haircut and a tan, but showed the same old problems as before. Attitude has been brought into question numerous times throughout the year and attendance needs to be rectified as absences every other week have had a damning impact on results. Can’t keep bringing in a sick note for every Physical Education session. Might have the best barnet in the school when they fancy it, but can’t tie their own shoelaces - need to sort their priorities out over the summer.
Never quite sure what you’re going to get, results fluctuate between top of the class and needing to bring in Learning Support. Always looks the part but like their peers from Brighton, seem to get distracted part way through the year and can’t sustain the early promise and focus shown. Have come a long way since they were eating crayons in the sand pits of League Two, so everything’s an achievement in the grand scheme of things.
Did what they had to do to get the necessary results. Never likely to charm you, this is in fact an utterly forgettable member of the class who is more likely to become an answer on Pointless than to be remembered by name when looking back on old class photos. A perfect case study for why money doesn’t always buy style, they’ve made it over the line nevertheless. Changes over the summer indicate they are considering entering for the Higher paper when maybe they’ll regret not just settling for the Foundation tier. Time will tell.
Zero doubts over work ethic, despite clearly not being the most talented class member. A brief holiday to Europe early on in the year caused disruption and threatened to curtail their ever-exciting quest for 40 points. Got their heads together at the right time and have fully embraced their role as the hardest kid in the class since Stoke vacated it a few years ago. Made a wise choice ensuring their first holiday abroad is likely to be their last for the foreseeable future, as unlike other more privileged class members they can’t afford to be playing catch up too often.
You’ll do well to find a more unlucky class member - you could give them two guesses on a coin toss and they would still get it wrong. Have had a few altercations with staff members that are understandable but can’t be condoned. Ultimately are going down a set based on ability so it’s no good just blaming the teachers (sorry Neil). Going forward they really need to stop staring out the canteen staff at lunchtime if they are to kick on in life.
Clearly got some issues at home and these need sorting over the summer. It doesn’t matter how rich daddy is, he can’t just stay in Russia and leave you with the latest Italian nanny. Like anyone left home alone for extended periods they’re a law unto themselves and are capable of acts of both genius and disappearance in equal measure. Other members of the class would still love to have had the year they have had though and they still somehow managed to outdo Spurs. A quiet summer with minimal upheaval wouldn’t go amiss one year.
Turned up, did the work, went home. Looks like a student who could be a loose cannon on paper but is in reality just a bit boring. Has an ongoing rivalry with classmate Brighton which I’m sure is entertaining for them but is either not acknowledged by the rest of the class or just seen as weird by those that do. Never looked like getting into trouble so deserve credit for their stability. Will need to work hard over the summer if they are to have any aspirations of rising through the social hierarchy and joining Everton’s Inbetweeners gang.
As the original Inbetweener it’s never a good look to lose the leadership of your own group to the new kid in the class (Wolves). Have had an up and down time since daddy got some money a few years ago and have found out the hard way that paying for extra tuition doesn’t always guarantee results. Have shown impressive perseverance to keep going when previous years they’ve capitulated and looks like they may have matured finally. Irrespective of their own position, can celebrate another year of seeing classmate rival Liverpool fall short of their goals.
All the gear no idea - they turned up for the new academic year looking immaculate and ready to make a name for themselves. By November their blazer was muddied, their shirt was ripped and the bigger kids wouldn’t let them have their ball back. A rough dose of reality for the new kid in the class who came in with ideas above their station - a tale as old as time. Hopefully can take a long hard look at themselves now they’ve moved down a set and come back stronger. Don’t come in wearing Gucci trousers if you haven’t got a belt to hold them up.
A surprisingly high SAT’s score last year pulled the wool over our eyes here. A dismal year which they wanted to end by December - if they could have been sent down a set mid-season they would have. Poor results were never for the want of trying but much like Pete Davidson they found out you can only punch above your weight for so long. Should enjoy more success at the lower level and won’t rule them out returning for more punishment in the future.
Spent half of the year looking a bit moody as a brief dabble in French came to its inevitably disastrous conclusion. Went back to what they know after February and haven’t looked back since. Growing concern that the lofty expectations they set for themselves with previous achievements might return when in reality they should be content with their re-integration into the Inbetweeners gang. Stay humble and they might just return to being the most popular kid in the class.
Astronomical improvement on last year in a quest to reach top of the class - and still didn’t manage it. Last year they could go from perfectly fine one minute to launching chairs at staff the next, so it’s nice that they’ve got that sorted. Improved temperament and much more mature but probably need to accept that they’re just not as gifted as Manchester City at some point. As much as they’ve improved, there’s only so long you want to hear the parents tell you how good their kid is. Widely held concern amongst the class that if this is how they react to coming second, what would finishing first look like? Plenty praying we won’t have to find out any time soon.
Top of the class once again, water' is wet and the sky’s blue. All the talent in the world and got an answer for every question - which is getting tedious now. No-one likes a know-it-all and other than Liverpool everyone else in the class keeps staring with wide-eyed amazement at each answer City gives, which isn’t doing much for their own development. Cleaned up at the school awards evening but can never get enough recognition it seems, with anyone not showering them with praise subjected to an angry tantrum involving large amounts of tears and foot stomping. Questions about how their family made their money always likely to follow them, so probably best they learn to embrace it.
Where to start? An embarrassment of a year that they will be keen to forget. Repeatedly turned in poor results while simultaneously demanding respect. Got way ahead of themselves after a couple of mid-year practice exams suggested they were returning to former glories. The only kid in the class whose parents can give them what Manchester City have got and still got humbled by Cardiff. Serious question marks over attitude dogged a student with clear ability and the work needed over the summer makes Notre Dame look like a minor rebuild. Don’t want to see any family pictures from Skegness over the summer, get your head down.
Clearly not getting a lot of help at home, but kept plugging away to avoid being moved down a set pretty comfortably. Would probably be a more popular member of the class if they embraced this lower profile and didn’t insist they were one of the cool kids. Thinks they’re above the Inbetweeners gang and in truth wouldn’t be allowed to sit with them in a Mean Girls-styled snub. Have received some criticism for their style, but have shown looks aren’t everything and got the job done - the antithesis of Fulham in many ways. Still bangs on about Sunderland who left the class several years ago now, which has led to questions over their mental well-being.
Like Michael Buble, you don’t see much of Southampton until Christmas and once they’re there, you can’t get rid of them. Great second half of the year rescued what looked to be a lost cause, so full marks for taking a look at themselves and getting rid of some bad influences. Middle of the road kid that gets on with the job with little drama and probably benefits from their classmate, Brighton, being just a little bit more forgettable. The classic hustler kid, they’re always bringing in a bag full of confectionery to sell onto the rich kids, but you’re still left feeling sorry for them by the end of the day when they’ve got a pocket full of cash and an empty bag of sweets. Wouldn’t mind seeing them get something nice and not sell it on for once. Strong words have been had with Liverpool to stop stealing their girlfriend.
Had the same school shoes for the last three years now and didn’t even bother purchasing a new shirt or trousers this summer. Commendable to have achieved a great set of results once again, particularly in their extra-curricular activities in Europe. Spurs have been the Bugs Bunny to Arsenal’s Elmer Fudd when it comes to benefiting from their arch-rivals’ haplessness; gifting Arsenal chance after chance to catch them and their class enemy still not managing it. Spurs constantly want to be considered part of the cool gang, but only wants their results measured against the less gifted members of the class when it comes down to it. Moving house halfway through the year proved a more stressful experience than anyone could have imagined but that’s behind them now and all the other kids will want to come over to their new gaff.
Grade: B (extra-curricular activities in Europe are admirable but not part of the marking process out of fairness to those not eligible).
A great year in which they cemented their role in the Inbetweeners gang, which should ensure they have a peaceful and divorce-free summer for the first time in a while. Overcoming Wolves in their Duke of Edinburgh trip was an outstanding achievement even if this was sullied by Manchester City ripping down their tent and making it a makeshift toilet on the final day. Good all-round student who could read poetry in the morning and have a scrap in the playground in the afternoon, each with equal aplomb. Behave themselves over the summer and they should have another good year ahead of them.
A surprisingly steady year for the usual class drama queen, West Ham. Some soul searching last summer has seen a remarkable change in character and maturity as they’ve got their head down and quietly worked away in a manner few envisaged they were capable of. Careful what you wish for but we miss the old West Ham. Trading madness for practicality is a wise choice but that potential for implosion at any minute was perhaps their most attractive quality. Like a rock star who’s now a settled down teetotal vegan - it’s sensible but not what you came to love. Rest assured that will probably be out the window next year and normal service will be resumed. Return this report to my attention in November when they’re complaining they’re not as stylish as they were once upon a time.
A cockney accent away from being everything Fulham want to be, Wolves have had the instant impact a new-starter is rarely able to have on a class. Almost universally liked and respected by their peers, they’ve seemingly managed to flaunt their wealth while avoiding the smug persona that has marred others. Not being scared to take it to the more established members of the class has undoubtedly aided this, as has being extremely generous in helping those worse off than them. Just what happened on that DofE trip with Watford will perhaps never be fully established and should probably be forgotten about for everyone’s sake.
So there it is, the almost definitive breakdown of the 2018/19 season and a clear reminder that your teachers were in fact remarkably diplomatic back in the day. Now get Baddiel and Skinner on and remind anyone who will listen just how prestigious you’ve always said the Nations League is…